Glad To Be Ugly .

i'm kinda happy about it. like cause when your pretty sure you last, but your forgotten and fit into the "perfect" catalog, to never be remembered again . i'm pimpled filled, curly fucked up hair, left-lipped pierced, 5'2 three quarters, 7cm tongue long, ugly ass muthafucka, but thats how i attract people to me. my ugly charm is what draws the people in, cause its interesting and different . now dont take this as in me insecure i write this out of joy, im proud of the way i look, even though theres days where i feel and say i look like shit but im proud of it . being ugly is something to cherish readers, so embrace it. embrace the ugly (:



It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light.
If you cut me I could shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed.

-Billy Collins

the angry blogger .

hello, today i am in a different mood then the usual blog entries i have. im angered, in a minor but long term way. what do you do when your anti-social, and then realize its just the people your around are actually whats making you anti-social. and another thing, since when did being the 8th grade mean having several piercings, send naked pictures, having sex, and knowing every sexual position possible ? and another thing since when did telling someone the name of a song turn in everyone knowing your one true prize posession of music ? huh ? sure im ranting but at the same time whoever is reading this can agree, all this seems like something to blame technology on but honestly whats going on, not just with me but the atmosphere on this society we call earth. i write these blog entries i dont know if someone reads them or not i could just be writing for no reason, or for the reason of hoping theres people reading this but im angry. since when did fun mean you had to cop, drink, party and go crazy ? whatever happened to just playing videogames and playing MASH and boardgames . i feel like its not even my fault im alone anymore, but that its the world's fault . YES I AM BLAMING and i dont care if i shouldnt cause i fucking am. since when if your being yourself it goes into two groups either cool or not. like fuck life. i dont even think i wanna have friends to be honest, theyre like fleas sometimes, and when it seems like your always paying or being the nice one and recieve nothing in return what the fuck pleasure does that bring . im upset, and i may make sense or not but seriously, when did having a relationship with someone meant wife or husband, nowadays if your with someone for a month is considered amazing, whatever happen to marriages that lasted for years, im only 16 but even i miss the good days, when everyone understand each other, wasnt coniving and at least tried to step on eggshells instead of jumping in and attacking people . this a rant, you can count on a lot more within this blog with the ways thing seems.


goodbye, i have to continue studying for midterms i'll do medicore in .

even when shes gone, shes still there .

sooo, im being that distant person again, but this time by choice and by just the atmosphere. i dont hate much things in life, but i detest them & dislike them very strongly (ehm* prop 8) but besides that, im a lose soul. one thing im actually proud of is my growth every year, no lie about that. but i hate my memories cause they stay and once something happens to me, even for maybe one second in replys in my mind a million fucking times. shit, i promised not to curse, ugh okay after this post im going to be curse-free (: but yeah i was home, watching good times, listening to my father talk internet stuff when it hit me, she cared about me the most from anyone i ever knew. it was strange it just like came to me, and creepy crap was i just it outloud, type mumbling like "she... actually.. cared." i just cant understand how all of my past relationships worked out, its like a vicious circle of criminial stories that somehow fall into my lap being in some area my fault . by either coming off way to strong or moving way to fast too soon . i am horrible with timing in relationships, but anyways back to earth, she cared. sad thing is now i dont know who she is, i feel like i lost her & in some way she lost herself . the only real thing i want in my life is too have her back, but with the ways thing seem everyday, it seems more impossible. she does little things that make me realize the maybe feelings still there, like randomly asking me questions that have nothing to do with anything, or making it so our timing enables us to be in the same rooms together, but i cant blame her cause i play the same games too . but i want them to end i want it all to end . i miss her, i miss her voice, her talking out her ass just cause she was nervous about me, her knowingly missing practide just to be with me, her meeting my father, her accidently telling me she loved me after trying to hide it for so long, her touch, cuddling her in my arms, telling her stories about hanging out with my friends, our arguements, our kisses, and most of just knowing before i slept or when i woke up there was a wavelink, that she was thinking about me and i knew it & viceversa. my thoughts are deep and in my mind all that seems to appear is stuble thoughts, that surface deep.. deeper than it may appear in my day to day or on my face . time is always key this i know for a fact but jesus, over a year and im still dealing . i dont care what people say i still love and i know deep down somewhere that love is in her for me, and i know im not doubting the fact is over, cause everytime i look at her or walk into the same room as her theres that vibe, you know that secret vibe, where really theres no one in the room but you two, where your looking at the board but really your heart created its own eyes to look at her, where you pretend to look around but end up looking at that person, where you see the person turning around and decide to "randomly" strike up a conversation about grades or shoelaces but deep down inside ever silly unattainable word means i love you in a sign morse code language you speak, yeah that vibe and hidden code . maybe she knows i see her trying to hide it maybe she doesnt but im leaving soon for college, and its far far far away, and though she acts like she doesnt care if im alive, if im even a state away, i know her heart yearns and she misses me.... just as i miss her .